I can’t even…
Fill in the blank: think, walk, conversate, function, work. This is me right now.
I don’t say “can’t” often. I am an all-in, get it done, multi-tasking, productive, results-driven doer.
I do. I can’t just be. There is always an “and” to accompany my rest.
But right now my body is saying no for me. My flesh is screaming against my spirit, my thoughts are slowed and suppressed to a crawl, my joints are aching, and I am tired.
Right now, I can’t get up early and go meet with Jesus downstairs before sunrise. I can’t design all the parts and fix all the problems at my job. I can’t serve my husband like I want to. I can’t write about all that I am doing.
And it is absolutely destroying me.
How to identify an idol: go without it for a day and assess.
Assessment: productivity is an idol.
I place my identity in productivity. I find comfort in it. I find my worth in it. And now that I can’t even, I am grasping for purpose and gasping for air.
I am a mess right now, and that is right where I need to be. Because even, perhaps especially, when I produce nothing, God’s unchangeable, unshakeable, unearnable, undeniable love and acceptance permeates my heart and surrounds me, completely independent from what I am accomplishing.
I am short on words today. Let me encourage you, who are suffering, struggling, or just can’t even today:
- You are worthy. Your worth is not in what you do, but what you have received and who you are.
But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God. – John 1:12
- Suffering is better than achieving. Achieving is worthless compared to suffering.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame. – Romans 5:3-5
- Love has no prerequisites. Love does not require an able body or a sharp mind or good health, but to know God.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. – 1 John 4:7, emphasis added
This pain may be a simple ailment or the beginning of a long journey. Its purpose may be to reveal my idolatry or completely change my heart. If you too are just discovering that productivity is an idol, I encourage you to combat it with its arch-nemesis, stillness.
“You’re parting waters, making a way for me. You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see. You’ve answered my prayer, before I even speak. All you need for me to be is still.”
From Hillary Scott (of Lady Antebellum)’s new album Love Remains.
Be still today sister. Pray. Write. Rest. With no “&.”
Today you don’t have to reach for the stars or be the best, brightest, most perfect. Just sit beneath Him and let Him be perfect: