I still can’t even. I have severe pain in every joint and a mental cloud has descended on me, rendering me unable to carry conversation, solve problems, or even think rationally. In short, everything that what makes me “me” is being stripped away. Somehow through this pain, the only escape is to write. The words come slowly, but I am in no rush.
Today I want to thank my dear husband, Jimmy, who has been caring for me at my worst for the past 20 days. I do not take well to being cared for. I am a doer, not a taker. He has taken care of our every need with grace, compassion, and patience.
You are the hands and feet of Christ, my love. I wrote some words:
To be cared for is to know love,
The kind that works and moves,
Love that says with silence,
“Today it’s you I choose.”
To be cared for is to accept a gift
Having nothing back to give,
It’s a purpose and a promise saying:
“You’re my reason to live”
To be cared for is to admit weakness,
The quickly fading flower that I am,
But your care fills me with hope,
When I confess that I just can’t.
To be cared for is true intimacy,
A closeness surpassing words,
A love that meets me in my brokenness,
Leaving me whole and reassured.
To be cared for is to see God’s heart,
How He holds us when we’re down,
It’s the healing of His hands I feel,
When my favorite person is around.
Some of the things my husband has done for me since the onset of this illness:
- Taken care of dinner every single night with no complaints. Even thinking about what to cook is incredibly difficult for me right now. Translation: I am incredibly difficult right now.
- Been intentional to remind me of my value, worth, and beauty every single day.
- Carried me around so I could get outside for a few minutes.
- Driven me around after he had a long day of work, just to get me out of the house. (and we were rewarded with this awesome sunset):
- Set up a chair with blankets on our patio so I could watch him do yardwork.
- Been patient and compassionate and gentle in every way imaginable.
- Perhaps most surprising of all, unloaded the dishwasher. We all have chores that we hate, and dishes are his. In our marriage, I joyfully do all the dishes, and he takes care of other things that I don’t enjoy. But this simple action says “I love you more than I hate dishes.”
I am a beautiful mess right now, and my husband is leaning into all of my messiness. God’s design for marriage is being revealed; in all of life’s ebbs and flows it points us back to Christ’s selfless love and sacrifice.
We both need your prayers right now. For healing, patience, perseverance, and always more faith. Thank you, brothers and sisters. Shine on.